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Carver Communications - Index

Carver Communications - 3.1.08 - Index

By Cathey Meyer
FINALLY HEARD . . . and paying for it.
WECOLME TO PART TWO OF:
HOW TO GET A MOBILE PHONE IN 75
EASY STEPS WITH 48 HOURS OF
DOWN TIME. PLEASE DO NOT
ATTEMPT TO CALL ME, THE PHONE
IS STILL CHARGING (in more ways than
one . . .).
Sidekick; Blackberry; Chocolate;
FlipShot; enV; Gleam; i350; F160. Why are
phones not just referred to as ‘phones’? I
have enough trouble figuring out if I need a
mobile phone or a cellular phone without
some marketing whiz trying to make it
sound hip.
“I just want a phone that is a phone.
I do not want to text message, take pictures,
record secret conversations, watch videos,
order Chinese or eat green eggs and ham!”
I had to repeat that request several times
before I was ‘assigned’ to the new guy. My
buddies, Bert and Ernie—the helpful tech
support/sales crew at the mobile phone
company that runs very fast (aka Fast Run
Fones)— had done all they could do for me
in acquiring a new phone. They adjusted
my new two year contract, allowed me to
keep my current rates that dated back to
1999 and because I was a loyal Fast Run
Fone customer, I received a $150 rebate on
my next phone. As I reminded them, there
was nothing wrong with my plan or my
phone for that matter. I was simply a victim
of the government conspiracy against analogue
lack-of-technology. In the interest of
the lateness of the hour on a Saturday night,
we all agreed I could shop by phone for my
upgrade phone and the Fed-Ex Fairy would
ship it out to me the next day. Everyone was
happy except, Cecil, the next helpful dude.
I ventured a guess that Cecil was
not his given name. “No ma’am. My name
is Safwanjala, but my friends in the
telecommunication industry call me Cecil.”
He must not have been very good friends
with Bert and Ernie because 1. He would
have passed me on to Cookie Monster and
2. He had no clue how much fun he was
about to have half way across the world.
Cecil was very excited to sell me a phone.
“Ms. Meiiiiiiiiiiiier, we have a lovely flip
March 1. 2008 REAL ESTATE NEWSLINE 7
model that takes photographs, records
movies, checks your driving speed and
translates text messages into 12 different
languages. It is on sale for $250 American
dollars.”
“Cecil, please listen carefully. If
you will refer back to my previously recorded-for-your-safety
tape, you will note I am
in no mood for fancy-fone-talk. Make it
under $150, make it ring when a call comes
in, make it turn on to send a call out.
THAT’S ALL I WANT!” There was a long
sigh and the dreaded words, “May I put you
on hold?” Of course he could. I had plenty
of adult American beverage, a television
remote and nothing better to do on Saturday
night. I was thrilled to be splayed out in the
comfort a Laz-y-boy chair and a Saturday
Night Live rerun marathon. Twenty minutes
later, Cecil was back with me. I am
guessing they do not have DSL lines
halfway across the world as no search could
last that long, but I really did not care as I
was buzzed on my beverage.
“Ms. Meiiiiiiiiiiiiier. We have
exactly the phone you are requesting, but it
is no longer in stock. I have no idea when
the phone will be available.” He might just
have been playing with my hormones, but I
took a swig and remained calm. He continued,
“What you want is a rugged phone. I
can disconnect all the features of that phone
and convert it to a simpleton phone. It does
have an underwater feature, but I am sure
that is of no interest to you. However it
comes with the phone at no extra charge.”
Speaking of charge, I now knew
enough to inquire about additional charges
for all the ‘extra’ necessities a new phone
needs. “Ms. Meiiiiiiiiiiiiier, we have your
account red-lined and highlighted. We are
well aware of your mental challenges
involving technology and I see you qualify
for the 504K program which is special assistance
for the mentally mobile phone
impaired. You are exempt from any additional
sales pitch and will receive a regulation
charger with federally acceptable modifications
for your disability. On your next
phone purchase, in six years, we will reevaluate
your account to verify your mental
mobile phone impairment and determine if
you are ready for a cellular upgrade.”
I am fairly sure old Cecil boy was
referring to me as a ‘retarded phone customer’
but that did not worry me. I got the
Fast Run Fone Company to do all my work
for me and sure enough, my rugged, waterproof-at-no-extra-charge
phone arrived the
next day. True to his word, it only makes
and receives calls and that is only if you
charge the battery. I am aware that messages
are already collecting, including several
from the Fast Run Fone Customer
Service Department, but I cannot figure out
the simpleton fone features. I would call
them, but the symbols on my phone seem to
be in Greek and my user manual is written
in four different languages, but apparently,
none of them in plain English.
For now, I continue to be a happy
Fast Run Fone customer. Last week, the
rugged phone became disoriented and
attempted to leave my charge. After 10
minutes in the middle of a public street and
countless hit and runs, the thing keeps on
ticking . . . I don’t know if it suppose to tick,
but it is making noise none-the-less.